I love to golf. It is challenging and fun. And people still aren’t sure whether or not it is a sport. I like those kinds of sports.
But let me tell you something: As much as I love to golf, I don’t always know how I feel about playing a full eighteen holes.
Nine holes of golf is usually enough.
I mean, eighteen holes is okay and all. But I’m just fine with nine too.
I think I suffer from something I call “golf fatigue.” When I go out to play a round of golf, here is what typically happens: I get psyched about playing the first one or two holes, begin making bonehead moves around hole three, get frustrated, try to recover, get more frustrated that I’m not recovering, and burn out around hole seven. By hole nine, I’m overwhelmingly distracted, irritated, and straight up not having a good time.
So why would I want to play a full eighteen?
Golf fatigue is lousy because I really do enjoy the game. I wish I could keep up that “first hole” momentum throughout the entire round. I usually do not do this. I wish I had a magic cure for feeling all “golfed out” after the first half hour.
As I prepare to spend my spring and summer days playing golf, I can’t help but wonder if I could improve my game by taking more breaks. This seems to be the obvious answer. When I become too focused on the game, I lose all of my focus. Does that make sense? It doesn’t to me.
Yes, I think my game can be improved this year by making a couple alterations. Here is my ideal course layout.
-NACHO BAR! Yes, I would like to see a full nacho bar implemented between Holes #2 and #3, which is where I usually start to feel apprehensive that my game is going to slide downhill. Have you ever seen someone be apprehensive around a nacho bar?! I have not.
-PING-PONG TABLE! After three holes I would like to completely shift my mindset to a different sport, and ping-pong seems like the way to go. I am terrible at ping-pong so this would be a suitable distraction. After losing a couple of games, I would feel more confident in my golf abilities.
-TV TIME! Now that the frustration of golf is really starting to get to me, I would like to take another break, this time to laugh mindlessly at an episode of Two and a Half Men or something like that.
-Skip Hole #5. Hole #5 is scary.
-READING STATION! Golf is really starting to take a toll by this point, so I would like to sit in a big cushy chair and divert my attention to a chapter of the book I’m currently reading, which is most likely a paperback medical mystery with a name like “Coma” or “Fever” or “Silent Treatment.”
-ANOTHER NACHO BAR! See above for details.
-CRY ROOM! This is the point of my game where I feel too emotional to continue playing. A private crying station would be a great addition to the course before moving on to Hole #9.
-QUIT! This is where I tell the others I’m golfing with that I quit the game and am probably not even going to total up my nine-hole score, because who even gives a darn (sorry for the language). Inform them that I’m going home to fix a drink, play Tiger Woods PGA Tour 2011 (there is no need to buy this game year after year) and simulate a much better golfing experience. On the PlayStation, I will likely play multiple rounds of 18 holes. This is totally acceptable in my eyes, whereas nine holes of (real-life) golf is usually enough.